Why do I do this to myself?
So I'm sure many feminists and activists can relate to this sentiment-- but why on earth do I do this? It's so incredibly surreal to be a feminist right now, what with the goings-on in the Trump White House (stars, I still can't believe I'm typing those words), actual Nazis demonstrating, mass shootings, and... yeah, mostly the Trump White House.
It kind of sucks to be aware of all this. It sucks to see how far we've sunk. It sucks to see a racist, misogynist, ableist bigot signing executive orders.
It sucks to be debating with someone and have them call your data to back up your political opinions "cute." It sucks to have someone try to mansplain what flipping CNN is. And yes, both of these examples come from recent personal experience. And my friends have even more experiences, from Facebook debates with men who will not listen, to my best friend's date this weekend where she stated multiple times she was uncomfortable with the content of the movie, and he brushed her off every time, even getting mad at her for bringing it up again.
I cringe in the hallways of school as I hear girls talk about how ugly they look and ask their friends what they're even doing there. I seethe when I hear people attack "politically correct" culture, saying we're too sensitive. I sigh and email more New York Times articles to my dad, with messages like, "I can't believe this is happening," or, "I'm shook," or, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" And sometimes I avoid the news because it makes me so anxious.
Lately I've been thinking it would be simpler to go back to before I learned about all this. Before I knew what the patriarchy was, before I recognized internalized misogyny, before I knew that there are still very real inequalities in America and worldwide. It would be so much simpler. I could go along my merry way, having faith that the big, scary things would be taken care of by someone else. I'm tired of being outraged. I'm tired of being scared. As the common phrase goes, "Ignorance is bliss." Sometimes I want nothing more than to forget what a mess this world is.
But... then I catch myself monitoring myself for what I look like to others. Or I really don't want to shave my legs. Or I find myself ashamed of taking up too much space. And the feminist voice in my head reminds me, it's okay. I'm here at school to learn, not to look good. I can do what I want with my body hair. I deserve the space I take up, and it's okay to know that. To cite another common phrase, "Knowledge is power." When I can look at something and hope for something better, when I can remind myself that I am absolutely deserving of the air I breathe and the space I take up, I feel empowered. When I support other girls-- whether through simple compliments, reminding them that they are also worth the space they take up, or standing with them against their challenges, I feel empowered. When I learn that the science fiction genre was invented by a teenage girl (Mary Shelley-- I'll probably post about her sometime, because I love her), I feel empowered. When I think of all the choices I have because of the women who have come before me, I feel empowered.
And when I think of the women who aren't so lucky... I want to empower them, too. I want every woman to have a choice, to love anyone she wants or no one, to go to space or explore the deepest depths of the ocean, to explore, to learn, to grow, to live. I want all women to have the room to create themselves, shape themselves into what they want to be. So when I am discouraged, this is what I remind myself. This is why I do this to myself. I do it for me. I do it for other girls. I do it in the hope that there will come a day when we don't have to.
It kind of sucks to be aware of all this. It sucks to see how far we've sunk. It sucks to see a racist, misogynist, ableist bigot signing executive orders.
It sucks to be debating with someone and have them call your data to back up your political opinions "cute." It sucks to have someone try to mansplain what flipping CNN is. And yes, both of these examples come from recent personal experience. And my friends have even more experiences, from Facebook debates with men who will not listen, to my best friend's date this weekend where she stated multiple times she was uncomfortable with the content of the movie, and he brushed her off every time, even getting mad at her for bringing it up again.
I cringe in the hallways of school as I hear girls talk about how ugly they look and ask their friends what they're even doing there. I seethe when I hear people attack "politically correct" culture, saying we're too sensitive. I sigh and email more New York Times articles to my dad, with messages like, "I can't believe this is happening," or, "I'm shook," or, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" And sometimes I avoid the news because it makes me so anxious.
Lately I've been thinking it would be simpler to go back to before I learned about all this. Before I knew what the patriarchy was, before I recognized internalized misogyny, before I knew that there are still very real inequalities in America and worldwide. It would be so much simpler. I could go along my merry way, having faith that the big, scary things would be taken care of by someone else. I'm tired of being outraged. I'm tired of being scared. As the common phrase goes, "Ignorance is bliss." Sometimes I want nothing more than to forget what a mess this world is.
But... then I catch myself monitoring myself for what I look like to others. Or I really don't want to shave my legs. Or I find myself ashamed of taking up too much space. And the feminist voice in my head reminds me, it's okay. I'm here at school to learn, not to look good. I can do what I want with my body hair. I deserve the space I take up, and it's okay to know that. To cite another common phrase, "Knowledge is power." When I can look at something and hope for something better, when I can remind myself that I am absolutely deserving of the air I breathe and the space I take up, I feel empowered. When I support other girls-- whether through simple compliments, reminding them that they are also worth the space they take up, or standing with them against their challenges, I feel empowered. When I learn that the science fiction genre was invented by a teenage girl (Mary Shelley-- I'll probably post about her sometime, because I love her), I feel empowered. When I think of all the choices I have because of the women who have come before me, I feel empowered.
And when I think of the women who aren't so lucky... I want to empower them, too. I want every woman to have a choice, to love anyone she wants or no one, to go to space or explore the deepest depths of the ocean, to explore, to learn, to grow, to live. I want all women to have the room to create themselves, shape themselves into what they want to be. So when I am discouraged, this is what I remind myself. This is why I do this to myself. I do it for me. I do it for other girls. I do it in the hope that there will come a day when we don't have to.
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